The person with an Avoidant attachment style believes that they can only rely on themselves to meet their needs. They believe that others are not trustworthy or dependable and are not able to give them love.
We all want an answer to these 2 questions.
- Am I worthy of love?
- Are others capable of loving me?
Ephesians 3:17-19, the Apostle Paul prays for us so that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith; that we are rooted and grounded in love may be able to comprehend the width, length, and depth of the love of Christ so that we may be filled with the fullness of God.
This is the foundation of a person securely attached to God, they are rooted and grounded in the love of Christ.
In 1 John 4, John says several times in that chapter that God is love. We are created in His image therefore, He created us to love and be loved. The primary source of our ability to give and receive Love is Father God, Himself.
Avoidant Attachment in Childhood
The Avoidant attachment style develops during childhood when a parent encourages a child to explore and learn new things but when the child wants to reconnect with the parents due to fear or anxiety it is interpreted as weak or manipulative.
Children develop a strong reliance on self and a distrust of authority. They believe they are worthy of love but don’t believe people really care about them. They learn to take care of themselves.
Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood
The person with an Avoidant attachment style can come across as a person with a hardened heart. They simply don’t see the need for close relationships.
- Can make good leaders because of their avid self-reliance and ability not to be weighed down with emotion.
- Vulnerable to fragmenting when faced with a professional or public failure
- Usually, they turn to another substance – anything to replace the other person, anything that creates the illusion of intimacy, warmth, and love
- Repressed their feelings for so long they are not even aware of the feelings exist.
- May resist intimacy
- Devote their emotional energies to competition in every aspect of life – sports, work, politics, etc.
- In times of stress, they become more emotionally withdrawn.
- Don’t trust anybody.
- Very analytical about those in authority and seldom trust others much.
- Withdraw from those who express emotional needs
- Tend to keep people at a distance
- Avoid true intimacy
- Value success and power over relationships
- Prone to addictive behaviors
- Tend to keep feelings at a distance and deny or repress any negative feelings
- Prone to feel empty or hollow
- Move away from God in times of trouble
- Cling to possessions, success, or other addictions
Two disturbing tendencies of the Avoidant Attachment Type
- Addictive Behavior
- Looks inward for intimacy substitutes
- Self-feeding – excessive fantasy, Internet addictions, eating disorders, shopping, compulsive masturbation, compulsive thrill-seeking
- Angry resentment toward God
- Driven by feelings of resentment
- Believe that God is not really there for me so I don’t really need Him, just me
- Common among atheist
- Dampen desire to learn about God
- Stop seeking, praying, and given up on church community
- They blame God – they think that He lets you down like the rest of the world
- Assume God’s only purpose is to make sure we don’t run into trouble.
- Downplays God’s role in providing comfort during times of trouble
Researchers believe that most addictions are rooted in this avoidant attachment type which is why they are so hard to break. Addictions are used to replace relationships.
If you are a person with an avoidant attachment style, the good news is that you can seek God with all your heart and find Him. He is never far away even if it feels like it.
While it may take some time to fully heal from all these experiences, your Heavenly Father is a safe place for you.
I am currently working on an in-depth study on the Father’s Love which will provide a guide for healing your heart.
Please contact me at Michelle@findinghopejourney.com if you would like more information.
If you are taking my Spiritual Roots of Human Behavior course, the areas of focus are Doorpoints, Father’s Love, Fear, Bitterness, and Why We Do What We Think.
You are loved more than you can imagine. You are accepted in the beloved by your Heavenly Father.
Scripture for Meditation
Further Reading on Attachment Styles
Adapted from God Attachment by Drs. Tim Clinton & Joshua Straub and Attachments by Drs. Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy.
This article is intended as a general overview of the avoidant attachment type, not a diagnostic tool.
Please consult a trained Christian Counselor for more detailed information.